I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
