I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
