so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
