Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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