I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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