My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
