guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
