I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
