this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
