I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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