I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
