he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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