It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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