I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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