He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
