bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
