i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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