I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize