woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
