Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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