the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
