I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
