my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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