and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
