I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
