Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just had sex bonerless
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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