you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize