i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
