loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
