my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
