I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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