woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
