I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
