what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
