How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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