I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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