can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
