Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
