the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize