just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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