Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
