you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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