i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
