Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
