I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
