Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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