where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
