Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
