Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
