"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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