you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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