why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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