You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
