My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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