$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
