guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
