It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize