He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
