Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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